And I won’t let go, to be the best man, the best man that I can…
So, I expect to slow down on entries at some point, but I think bite sized postings are the way to go, personally. So I might as well thought-vomit out what I need to at first and move in to a more leisurely pace. Or who knows, the tens of tens of people who end up reading me (besides me) might actually clamor for more. Screwier things have happened, that’s for sure.
Aaaaaaaanyway, I wanted to discuss my feelings on transitioning as it relates to me. I have no plans to do so. I’m strongly considering a path towards starting HRT, knowing full well that if I do start up on hormones my tune could change. But it’s not like I don’t have my reasons, fairly good ones for my own journey I’d say, for currently shrugging off transitioning.
Reason the First: While at times I wish I could put on something like a sun dress and go twirling through the tall grass, nothing’s stopping me from doing that now. I simply don’t. The dress isn’t going to flip a switch in my head. It’s not like I tried, I mean, this chronicle is new, but my journey is not. I’ve been at this in earnest for about 5 years (in the background fighting to get out for longer still). When I wear what’s considered female clothing, it doesn’t fulfill anything for me. Not to mention I’m a jeans and tees kinda girl anyway.
Clothing, like so many other things, is a socially constructed gender construct. Did you know that until relatively recently blue was the girl color, and pink was the boy? Scottish men wear kilts. And currently, for reasons of cis-gender equality (and rather skewed at that) its socially more acceptable for a female to dress like a man than vice versa. Gosh, we’re such a patriarchal society like that. Maybe its because I see things like that is why I get no particular mental fulfillment.
Reason The Second: I’m prone to laziness. Like the Pope is prone to shitting in the woods. Let’s face it: transitioning is hard, hard work. PASSING is hard, hard work. I’ve yet to come to any place mentally where I’m like “I want the entire world to see my as a woman so bad!” that overrides my natural tendency to just keep on keeping on with status quo.
At the same time, my private circle of support provides me with the validation I do seek. Just them knowing on any given day gives me wings. When they casually refer to me by my chosen female name, my inner little girl goes “squeeeeee!” as my heart inflates a couple more sizes. Writing this, maybe getting a modicum of attention from supporters of all shapes and sizes, validation lives here, too.
Reason The Third: In relation to both the prior reasons, societal construction and my laziness, its simply easier to be perceived as a male. Gender roles are, if not directly tied to biology, completely fucking stupid (pardon my French, but as I said before, I’m a Carlinite, not to mention that if I think a lot of gender roles are based on societies whims, where do you think I fall on the topic of “dirty” words? I hope my casual cursing at times doesn’t turn you off, but if it helps you, try and remember that I don’t believe in dirty words. Not to mention you’re reading the writings of a chick with a dick, so I’d hope you’d have a bit more of an open mind), but I also can’t deny they exist.
It’s really not fair in the grand scheme of things, but let me have a little bit of selfishness. But let’s face it, for these stupid reasons I’m fully taking advantage of, men can get away with a lot of stuff I don’t mind getting away with a lot easier than women. I’ll throw out a pretty big umbrella one: personal grooming. I’m not saying I’m out there like Pig Pen or anything, but my prep time is so much shorter because depending on the situation I can simply throw on a cap, forego shaving, and wear shabbier clothing. Not fair at all for women in my mind, but I didn’t make the world, just trying to live in it.
Reason The Fourth: I’m gonna tell you grand people (and myself) a little secret here: I’m fucking terrified of transitioning. The upheaval. The change in perspectives, both personal and directed towards me. I don’t have a whole lot of family left, and I know I’d lose a good portion of them if I came out (which unless I disappeared off the grid is kind of mandatory when transitioning).
This would actually surprise some people who know me, supporter or no, I think. My whole adult life I’ve carried myself with a very “I don’t care what you think about me, fuck the nay-sayers” kind of attitude. Which, come to think of it, is kinda hypocritical, I’m a notorious nay-sayer. I’ve basically been saying “fuck myself!” for a long time now. Huh, that might explain some things…I digress. But c’mon, this isn’t the same thing as justifying my off-color slogon on my tee-shirt. I have eyes and ears. I see what happens to my peers. And I fear for what my daughter would have to go through as she grows up. I grew up bullied, and for way more pedestrian and stupid reasons than “you’re daddy wants to be your mommy!” She’s a head-strong and stubborn girl, but she’s got enough problems already.
That’s about it, really. There’s more, yeah, but mostly they’re all connected to those bullet points. Feel free (people besides myself) to ask me clarifying questions in the comments if you so wish. I’m a ghost, you’re meant to see right through me here.
Time to evaporate.