Floating In The Ether

I have a secret to tell from my electrical well; it’s a simple message and I’m leaving out the whistles and bells…

It’s now been 24+ hours since I came out. And I feel…weird.  I’m at this place where I’m not even sure what the big deal is/was.  Which my brain automatically starts rejecting.  I guess the honeymoon period is over?  The thrill had to wear off sometime, I guess.  The whole point was to normalize, and its like I’m desperately clinging to the post-outing high.

The experience of the past day has made me really feel orders of magnitude better about what may happen if and when I start HRT.  The validation I got simply from declaring my true self to my little world sphere makes me think I could live as a woman.  And I’m starting to realize, I want to live as a woman.  Again, because of this experience.  The spark and thrill when ever I was simply called Sandi…it’s right.  It’s who I am.  I couldn’t care less if I forego makeup (though something tells me I wouldn’t.  It’d be sparse, but there).  I still don’t want to wear dresses.  I want the body that matches my mind’s eye, and I’d like to wear clothes of my personal taste that are meant for that body’s shape.  I don’t think I’d be too keen on the whole “which bathroom” shit that’s all too prevalent.   But it can’t be all beer and pizza (roses are fine by me, but I’m not a wine fan…beer and roses?  I’ll make that a thing).

Part of me says “but don’t you want to pass?”  Another part of me is like “uh, Sandi, you just came out.  You did it in a way that it’s readily available information for anybody who’re you’re friends with on Facebook, which is almost everyone you know.  You’ve told them you’re a woman, you’d really like it if you were called by your female name and if female pronouns were used, and you just scratched your beard.  You’re purposefully bucking gender trends, what’s the difference if a year from now your body is sending out the female in just enough places for people to take notice, but not enough that there’s no doubt?  And since when did you give a fuck what strangers think, you’ve always dismissed those that don’t know you!

And I honestly don’t have an answer for that.  Well, beyond “this is different.”  And I think that might actually be a valid answer.  I mean, it IS, isn’t it?  I could get jumped out there.  I think I’m more worried about personal safety than actually looking “good.”  I guess that’s what keeps me from doing stuff like wearing make up out and about at present.  I mean, I don’t have the pedigree of Eddie Izzard or even Conchita Wurst.  I should maybe get over

Less is more, and this would be just fine by me.

Less is more, and this would be just fine by me.

how I feel about how I look sans facial hair.  Maybe having softer features would, erm, soften the blow.  But I digress, the support of my friends doesn’t blind me to the fact that trans people world wide are subjected to some horrific shit by ignorant and intolerant violent people.

Being yourself is hard.

Advertisements

About the ghost

Not quite what you think you see, in some ways more, in some ways less.
This entry was posted in Coming Out, Trans Issues, Transition and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Floating In The Ether

  1. I share the fear about personal safety. I read far too many news about trans women who were attacked in public. Therefore, one of the first things I bought after deciding to go out in public next Friday was a pepper spray. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Everyone’s experiences are different Sandi, and you may find you experience lots of these “voids” where you’re not sure what’s going to happen next or how to react/respond to the situation you find yourself in. That’s perfectly normal though. The important thing is to do what feels right for YOU, never mind anyone else. After all. it’s not their body, and you are not them.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. georgiakevin says:

    You wrote such a wonderful insightful personal post ma’am. I have an idea that as much as you are a handsome man you are a beautiful lady inside and out. You have soo much courage, I wish that i had even half of you courage. You are a talented writer. I truly admire you with your writing and how you are approaching your journey to be you. Just for the record wearing a dress doesn’t make a true lady a lady, her actions, her gace does, just as yours does.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s