Here I am, stuck in the middle with you…
I am gaining girlfriends at an almost alarming rate.
I have offers on the table to be given a manicure, to be taken to get my hair done for my birthday, and such. I’ve had “girl talk” conversations. And they keep coming, and from sources I didn’t expect.
It’s awesome, and since I’m starting to get to the stage where I’m scared of my decisions, having girlfriends is nice. And I’m super excited to have my hair done.
But I AM starting to feel scared. I’m deciding to do things that won’t escape notice. Coming out to my friends is one thing. Walking around strangers bucking gender by having painted nails, pierced ears and a femme haircut is another. I’ve never cared much what strangers thought of me, but I’m also not naive. It’s daunting.
These are unexpected consequences of my desire to not live as a woman, really, but to still embrace my true self. Not that it’d be any less daunting if I waited until I possibly starting transitioning, but I just didn’t think about some of this.
the ghosts journey 
Those girlfriends are going to be some of your greatest allies, when the going gets tough.
And, since you appear to enjoy looking at the negative side of things, some of these friends may turn out to be too enthusiastic. Many people don’t understand the level of risk involved in being too far out of the norm. I have been leered at, stalked, accosted, or assaulted on more than one occasion.
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…these enthusiastic supporters think that this is some kind of a hobby.
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I’m pretty sure most of them don’t. Maybe they don’t quite take in to account possible consequences, but that’s hardly limited to this specific situation. It’s just harder to try walking in our shoes.
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I wouldn’t say I enjoy looking at the negative. 😉
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You’re so lucky! Girlfriends are one of the things I miss most in my life. I never dared to find some in real life because of the fear they would immediately notice that I’m a trans woman. Isn’t that stupid? I’m a woman so I want women as friends but I’m fearing they could realise I’m a woman? 😦
Luckily I found some great girlfriends in this community and maybe some will follow in real life after i came out. 🙂
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Yes, I feel incredibly fortunate that existing women in my life are do accepting to not only support, but to actively acknowledge me via inclusion. I find myself thanking them a LOT.
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I’ve been painting my nails for the last couple of months. I’ve been surprised (even though I know I shouldn’t) at how many times, as part of a conversation about my nails I’ve been asked, “so what — are you going to start wearing dresses next?” I just want to respond: “Maybe I will… Do you have a fucking problem with that?”
I mean, I do recognize that based on genetic lottery (even though I rue the lack of a second X chromosome), the socioeconomic status of my family, my nationality, etc., I enjoy a great amount of privilege. But still. It’s just pigment and lacquer, and I have in no other way (so far) visually/outwardly demonstrated my trans-ness… and yet people are sooooo threatened by my tiny expression of gender non-conformity that I’ve had multiple people try to shame me back into a neat, tidy box. Never mind the absurdity of the fact that “man in a dress” somehow equals in many peoples’ minds: “so ridiculous that of course you wouldn’t choose to do that next.” It’s just fabric! Sewn in a specific shape based on the ever-shifting fashion sensibilities of the modern day… sigh.
Sorry for the ramble! Loving your blog! It seems somewhat uncommon to find/read stories and experiences that – as a *not* super-girly or femme AMAB trans person – I can quite identify with.
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I kinda wonder how many more like-minded folk are out there, who just felt nearly compelled to go more “super-girly” to fit the societal mind’s eye, you know? Hell, it’s not just trans, how many cis women feel overly compelled to be that way when they’d rather just go, in my words, for “convenience and comfort”?
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