Me and you; god only knows it’s not what we would choose to do…
I’ve been having a very fascinating conversation lately with a very lovely girl. I’ve been discussing with her my crossdreaming, and how it relates to and drew out my true self. And, let me start by saying I don’t want to speak for everyone. But I do have to wonder if a few things I have come to realize about myself don’t apply to my fellow crossdreamers, no matter what part of their self realization journey they happen to be on.
I’m getting to a point where I believe that, for the most part, crossdreamers are experiencing some form of non-binary gender identity. That’s a pretty grand and grandiose statement, to be sure, but it’s how I feel about it at present. The very notion suggests that the persons brain is capable of processing the non-binary, but the current brain paths aren’t sure how to process and parse that information. For me, obviously, that identity was that I was a woman, and that the reason I love to see myself as a woman is merely a form of loving myself, and embracing that. What I am trying to drive at, in essence, is actually pretty basic in a way: crossdreaming is something trying to express itself.
And it’s for this reason that its important, very important, that we spread information about crossdreaming as best we can. As far as we can reach, with as much understanding as we can muster. Otherwise, we’re purposefully (if not intentionally and spitefully depending on the source) forcing people to repress a powerful part of themselves, and keep many people in a dangerous psychological state of denial and self-ignorance.
Speaking from my own personal experience, I was absolutely petrified with shame about my cross dreaming. It wasn’t just the exaggeration of my fantasies (a point I plan on discussing further in a future post about validation), it was mostly the idea itself. Why did I feel this way? What did it mean for me, and most germane to this particular discussion: what is wrong with me? The answer is obviously: nothing. But try telling that to younger me, and why?
We live in a ridiculously prudish culture. We are so uptight about anything of a sexual nature, that any expression that seems even remotely deviant that enters ones brains can become a terrifying concept for one to have to deal with. Now, you add on added social stigma of something like crossdreaming as it relates to gender identity, etc, and you’ve opened another bigger can of worms.
Then you add in a third layer. You happen to use the anonymity of the internet and lo and behold, you discover this is a “thing” and you’re not alone. But what’s this? There’s still a fight against being marginalized as fetishism? And not from the avenues you thought they’d come from alone, but from within the LGBT community itself? Well, now what? Who the hell will accept me? How can I explore this, find out who I am, become who I am, embrace and love myself for who I am? I plowed through it myself, but I’m just one one woman. What about the rest, the lost and all alone?
Admitting to crossdreaming can be akin to putting a big target on yourself. And we need to change that.
Maybe it’ll take a crappy fanfic turned phenomenon set of books to bring this to the public? (I kid, if someone wants to write about cross dreaming, I would hope it’s better than the writing of 50 Shades). I really don’t have a solution to the problem of “more awareness and understanding.” I just know we need it. Because I know there are way too many out the struggling with this, desperately searching for an outlet, and we’re denying them that, either by design or by inactivity.