Stoked, Yet Scared

People think I’m insane because I am frowning all the time…

So, I got a call yesterday.  A call I didn’t think would come for another week at least.  To give me news I thought I’d have to wait at least another month for (based on what I had been told previously): my first appointment with a gender therapist is scheduled for two weeks from yesterday.

As the title suggests, I’m excited and I’m also terrified.  For exactly the same reasons.  This is it.  My commitment to getting therapy was what drove me to come out like I did, because countless times in the past I have brushed off therapy.  If I even went, I ended up deflecting anything that got anywhere near the truth.  Mostly out of reflex.  Later, because I didn’t want to talk about it yet (if it all, at the time).  But now, I’m determined to get the therapy I need and deserve.

And the only way I knew to do that right, was to do so in a manner that changes the course of my life forever.  Now, I’ve already taken those first steps myself.  The more I think about it, the more I came out the way I did was driven by doing it on my own terms.  I knew I was going to start seeing a gender therapist.  I knew that a possible outcome (and one I would pursue) would be to start on hormones.  I might start living more and more like a woman.  I decided that I was going to own that, take charge of it, and “get ahead of it” so to speak.  And it’s a decision I do not regret in the slightest.  I’m already happier.

But I still have no idea what the future actually holds.  But what little glimpse in to the

The magic wand would be nice, but I'm hardly naive...

The magic wand would be nice, but I’m hardly naive…

crystal ball I’m going to get is in that office two weeks from now.  What will she be like, my therapist?  She comes recommended from an old friend of mine who is a therapist himself, so I figure she’ll be good at her job.  But what will she be like?  I know how I’m going to ask her to address me, but I’m already wondering how I should present myself, if that’ll matter.  I’m sure it won’t, but I worry anyway. I’m a worry wort by nature, I can’t help that.

It’s one thing to stand tall and say “this is who I am, world!”  It’s another to step in to an unknown office with an unknown entity who very well could be instrumental in to who I become from here.

But I’m going to do it.  I just hope I don’t kick the door down on the way in.  I get excited.


About the ghost

Not quite what you think you see, in some ways more, in some ways less.
This entry was posted in Therapy and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Stoked, Yet Scared

  1. YAY ! … Great news! 🙂
    You’ll be fine 🙂
    Just be yourself, and dress in whatever way makes you feel most comfortable.
    I’m not sure I like the term “therapist”, is that normal for where you are? … Therapy, to me, implies “correction” in some way, and you have nothing that requires correction

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mara says:

    That’s so exciting and nerve wracking. Wishing you the best, with the appropriate appendages crossed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Isle Andor says:

    Today is Oct. 14th, so hopefully you made it to your appointment a couple days ago and it was great!

    I’ve been feeling the same pre-appointment excitement/nervousness though – my first appointment with a gender therapist is a week from today! Besides my fabulous silver nails it’ll be the first… “tangible” (I guess is the right word) step on my transition journey.

    Silver nails are are spectacular. Not glittery, not gray or dark… just this metallic neutral silver that is simultaneously feminine and fierce. I think the bottle might technically say aluminum or something hip-sounding, but whatever the name of the color, I highly recommend it! Sorry, I know this isn’t the nails post… I just derailed!

    Liked by 2 people

    • the ghost says:

      I did go, and while it was mostly intake, it was still super positive. And I’ll have to keep an eye out for that particular silver. Sounds up my alley!


      • Isle Andor says:

        Glad that the “first date” didn’t send you running for the hills! I’ve had my share of first appointments with therapists for depression/anxiety – some good, some not-so-good, but never had the guts to start digging into this ball of wax before.

        Actually, I remembered that I was so psyched about the look of this color on my nails I snapped a couple (totally safe for work, hands only) photos the other day to share. Here’s the best one:

        So pretty in the sunlight! And no, I’m not that good at painting my nails. 😛
        I *did* do it myself, but after a couple previous attempts at painting my nails that looked like torture scenes until I cleaned up my cuticles with polish remover, I figured I needed to try a new approach. I used what is apparently called a “peel-off base coat” by nail people on youtube. The rest of the world calls it “elmer’s white glue.” Like a boss though I didn’t even bother with a brush. Straight from the glue bottle!

        Liked by 1 person

      • the ghost says:

        Oh, I love that color! I was looking for that, and found something I thought was going to be good, but it turned out to be such a shiny like chrome-ish that it looks lavender whenever it catches any little bit of light. I still loved it, but not what I was looking for!

        I’ve cut and run from so many therapists before. Mainly because we’d start getting close to my gender identity issues and I’d panic. Now that it’s right out there front and center from square one, I think I’m good to go.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s