Stoked, Yet Scared

People think I’m insane because I am frowning all the time…

So, I got a call yesterday.  A call I didn’t think would come for another week at least.  To give me news I thought I’d have to wait at least another month for (based on what I had been told previously): my first appointment with a gender therapist is scheduled for two weeks from yesterday.

As the title suggests, I’m excited and I’m also terrified.  For exactly the same reasons.  This is it.  My commitment to getting therapy was what drove me to come out like I did, because countless times in the past I have brushed off therapy.  If I even went, I ended up deflecting anything that got anywhere near the truth.  Mostly out of reflex.  Later, because I didn’t want to talk about it yet (if it all, at the time).  But now, I’m determined to get the therapy I need and deserve.

And the only way I knew to do that right, was to do so in a manner that changes the course of my life forever.  Now, I’ve already taken those first steps myself.  The more I think about it, the more I came out the way I did was driven by doing it on my own terms.  I knew I was going to start seeing a gender therapist.  I knew that a possible outcome (and one I would pursue) would be to start on hormones.  I might start living more and more like a woman.  I decided that I was going to own that, take charge of it, and “get ahead of it” so to speak.  And it’s a decision I do not regret in the slightest.  I’m already happier.

But I still have no idea what the future actually holds.  But what little glimpse in to the

The magic wand would be nice, but I’m hardly naive…

crystal ball I’m going to get is in that office two weeks from now.  What will she be like, my therapist?  She comes recommended from an old friend of mine who is a therapist himself, so I figure she’ll be good at her job.  But what will she be like?  I know how I’m going to ask her to address me, but I’m already wondering how I should present myself, if that’ll matter.  I’m sure it won’t, but I worry anyway. I’m a worry wort by nature, I can’t help that.

It’s one thing to stand tall and say “this is who I am, world!”  It’s another to step in to an unknown office with an unknown entity who very well could be instrumental in to who I become from here.

But I’m going to do it.  I just hope I don’t kick the door down on the way in.  I get excited.